The afternoon and it’s sunny with many clouds forcing out shadows and bending the light. My living room, where my home office is, resembles pinkish hues and green. I was reading about Krishna, and trying to figure out the color of my aura. The future is unknowable. Usually, I can foresee what will happen, and I can create a map or just know that my hunkering down I’ve done these past few years can still go on. But now, I feel something coming. I feel like it’s my time to jump on it and find out what else I should become. 

The question of age is upon me. I am starting to see my age on my face finally. My hair now has some 20-odd strands of gray hair framing my face. I am tired of my job, and I want something different. Mostly I want to figure out how to cheat the system…no, not cheat. I hate cheating. I want to figure out how to master the system. How can I create a sustainable, stable future for myself financially? When will it ever be OK to travel the world again? When will I ever be alone again? It’s so liberating to go to someplace all by myself. I find myself in spaces I never knew before, and I wonder how long did I exist there? I only exist now. Am I living? What is my life going to be? That pregnant pause is here with me now, and I struggle to listen to it, to hold onto it, and to deliver myself the motivation I’ve been striving to find for the past several years.